Baby Boomers With Aging Parents
Joanne Hill, MSW
Much has been said about the importance of baby boomers in the 21st century because this generation of 77 million will have considerable power in determining the fabric of American culture. Their parents, born between 1901 and 1945, who are members of the GI Generation and the Silent Generation already know that the baby boomers are their vital link to the quality of life. Almost 30% of all baby boomers are currently helping their aging parents manage their lives in some way. While most aging parents have completed their retirement planning, issues around eldercare, such as assisted living vs. aging-in-place may create new problems. Sometimes the relative success adult children have with helping their aging parents may be explained by the different values, personal qualities, and behaviors that each generation demonstrates. There really can be a “generation gap” in communication between these generations because they think and act quite differently. In order to create a beneficial rapport and help parents as they age, it would help baby boomers to understand the differences between the generations. It is best to start a dialog with parents about important issues before a sudden event or crisis demands baby boomer involvement.
First, what characterizes the members of the GI Generation who were born in 1901-1924? These are the oldest of the matures in our population and they total about 2.5 million. These civic-minded members laid the foundation of the 20th century America with sheer guts and determination and native intelligence. They are loyal, hard-working, duty-oriented people who preferred to conform to the norm. They have great faith in the institutions of government and business. They lived through the Great Depression which helped to mold cautious and conservative values about money. Today, the youngest members of this generation are in their early 80’s, and the oldest are becoming our centenarians. Their adult children may be turning 60 years old or already facing old age in their 70’s-80’s. Baby boomers trying to relate to this geriatric population should expect some resistance to help or suggestions about institutional care, including assisted living or nursing homes, because of their desire to be self-reliant. Those with financial means may be more willing to consider eldercare help in any form, as long as they can pay their own way. They raised children in a traditional home setting which may have included grandparents. Stoical by nature, they did not share personal matters with others, so family discussions about eldercare issues may not be easy for them.
The Silent Generation shares similar characteristics with their predecessors. Born in 1925-1945, they total about 35 million today, and conformed to the values of their parents. The oldest entered the workforce after World War II and became the establishment. The youngest are approaching retirement age. This generation is traditional, disciplined, self-reliant,
experienced, respectful of authority and willing to sacrifice. In the marketplace, they would rather have quality than efficiency. The most wealthy generation, they are also generous by nature, and have spent considerable income to provide the best possible for their baby boomer children, who enjoyed a stay-at-home Mom. The oldest members of this generation also tend to keep their personal affairs to themselves and may not be receptive to family discussions about eldercare and other aging topics, however they are also adaptive and will compromise when necessary.
Ah, enter the baby boomers, who love self-expression! The boomer’s desire to communicate with aging parents is bound to be met with some degree of frustration because their parents thrived on taking responsibility for themselves and others. Many will view the boomer’s interest as intrusion, unless the boomer approaches topics with respect and concern. Parents will also resist offers of help because they want to be self-reliant and independent, even though they are aging. Well educated and savvy consumer boomers may want to take control of parents’ decision making, but that does not work well with the mature generations. Of course, boomers and aging parents who have always enjoyed a close relationship will have an easier time discussing concerns about aging. Some families rely on one sibling to talk to parents because of a special bond that may already exist between them. What can a baby boomer do to start a dialog with aging parents?
It is never too soon to begin talking about the issues of aging with parents, but the boomer's upcoming need for retirement planning may be a fruitful time because their parents already reorganized their lives and may have already made personal, legal and financial decisions. Boomers could ask for the advice or opinions of their parents about making plans for the future. While boomers may not need to know all the details of their parents' plans, it is important to know that they have been established. Boomers and their parents need to be ready for the unexpected time when the adult children need to help manage their parents’ affairs-on a temporary or permanent basis. There is a tendency for all generations to deny this possibility, as well as, the aging process and its unwanted complications.
Here are some ideas to start a conversation: mention a friend or family member who may have a medical or financial problem and discuss their situation; describe aspects of your own retirement planning; refer to an article or television show that discusses eldercare or aging issues; provide parents with a list of questions to discuss at a future date. The best time to have a discussion is when parents are well and rested. Concerns should be expressed in questions, to learn what parents think and feel about the subject. It is important to listen and to be open-minded about their decisions or conclusions. If they don’t want to talk or change the subject, try again on another occasion. This is an on-going process that should inform you about the following topics:
The general needs, wishes, concerns and fears of parents.
Eldercare preferences. (Aging-in-Place, In-Home Care, Assisted Living, Nursing Home)
Medical status. (Diagnoses, Prescriptions, Physicians, Health Insurance)
Financial Status. (Expenses, Debts, Income, Insurances, Bank Accounts, Assets, Real Estate)
Legal documents. (Will, Power of Attorney, Advance Directives, Trusts, Tax Returns)
Funeral and Burial Arrangements.
All this important information should be kept together for emergency purposes or routine reference. Elder Organizer: A Journal of Information for Family Elders provides the space to record this kind of information and lists resources for additional information about aging.
